Understanding Your Child’s Behavior: What’s “Normal” at Every Age?
Inspired by The Gesell Institute’s Child from One to Six: Evaluating the Behavior of the Preschool Child by Louise Bates Ames, Clyde Gillespie, Jacqueline Haines, and Frances L. Ilg (Harper & Row, 1979)
As a parent, it’s easy to question whether your child’s meltdowns, mood swings, or resistance are signs of a problem. But according to decades of research from the Gesell Institute, children’s behavior follows a predictable developmental rhythm, alternating between smooth stages (equilibrium) and turbulent ones (disequilibrium). When we understand this, we stop blaming ourselves—or our kids—and start responding with empathy and clarity.
Here’s what’s “normal” at each age—and why you don’t need to panic.
🧒 18 Months: I Want It Now!
➡️ Equilibrium stage: Starting to walk, talk, and explore
✅ Normal behaviors:
Insists on doing things independently (“Me do!”)
Throws tantrums when frustrated
Can’t wait—wants things immediately
Clings to familiar routines (same cup, same route)
Tip: Don’t expect flexibility yet. Redirect gently, and keep choices simple.
✨ 2 Years Old: Cooperative Explorer
➡️ Equilibrium stage
✅ Normal behaviors:
Tries to follow directions and please adults
Shows interest in helping (wants to “clean” or feed self)
Repeats words and short phrases
Enjoys simple routines
Tip: This is a window of calm—establish healthy habits while the child is receptive.
💥 2½ Years Old: Mini Dictator
➡️ Disequilibrium stage
✅ Normal behaviors:
Demands everything be done a certain way
Frequently says “NO!” (even to things they want)
May have sleep regression or appetite changes
Rigid, ritualistic behavior (must line up toys “just so”)
Tip: Don’t take the “no” personally—it’s a sign of growing independence.
🌈 3 Years Old: Imaginative and Joyful
➡️ Equilibrium stage
✅ Normal behaviors:
Loves storytelling and pretend play
Talks non-stop and asks lots of questions
Plays near or with peers (parallel/cooperative play)
Generally affectionate and cheerful
Tip: Lean into their creativity—pretend play is their emotional processing tool.
😟 3½ Years Old: Sensitive and Unsettled
➡️ Disequilibrium stage
✅ Normal behaviors:
Easily overwhelmed and fearful (loud noises, separation)
Has more meltdowns or becomes clingy
Worries that people are “mad at me”
Might regress in toileting or sleep
Tip: Provide extra reassurance. Avoid teasing or shame-based discipline.
🚀 4 Years Old: Bold, Loud, and Full of Ideas
➡️ Equilibrium stage
✅ Normal behaviors:
Constant motion—loud, active, energetic
Tests limits but is also more social and verbal
Makes up elaborate stories or rules in games
Loves silly jokes, even if they don’t make sense
Tip: Set firm boundaries with humor and flexibility—this age loves negotiating.
🔥 4½ Years Old: Unpredictable and Emotional
➡️ Disequilibrium stage
✅ Normal behaviors:
Talks back, argues, and tests every rule
Cries easily or gets angry quickly
Struggles with transitions or being told “no”
Shifts from “I love you” to “Go away!” in seconds
Tip: Expect emotional intensity. Stay calm and connected through the storms.
🌟 5 Years Old: Calm, Confident, Capable
➡️ Equilibrium stage
✅ Normal behaviors:
Cooperative and eager to do the “right” thing
Focuses well, follows routines
Enjoys learning and group play
Proud of growing up and “being big”
Tip: Use this golden stage to introduce new responsibilities—your child is ready.
😮💨 5½–6 Years Old: Big Feelings Return
➡️ Disequilibrium stage
✅ Normal behaviors:
Becomes bossy, competitive, or easily frustrated
May worry more or talk about “bad guys” and fears
Shows perfectionism or gives up easily if something is hard
Pushes against authority but still seeks connection
Tip: Validate emotions while holding steady boundaries. Confidence is still fragile here.
🧭 When Should You Be Concerned?
While every child develops in their own unique way, and some are more intense or sensitive than others, there are times when it's wise to check in with a professional.
Here are some signs it might be time to seek support from a pediatrician, child therapist, or developmental specialist:
🔸 Your child seems stuck in a phase (e.g., extreme tantrums, separation anxiety, or rigidity) for many months without relief
🔸 You notice delays in speech, motor skills, or social engagement compared to same-age peers
🔸 Your child has frequent, intense meltdowns that interfere with daily routines or relationships
🔸 There is a sudden loss of skills your child previously had (e.g., stops talking or toileting)
🔸 You feel overwhelmed, confused, or exhausted, and want guidance on how to better support your child
🔸 Teachers, caregivers, or others are raising concerns about your child’s behavior or development
Trust your gut. You don’t need to wait until things are “bad enough.” Support is there to help you better understand your child—not to judge or label them.
📚 Final Thoughts
Every child develops on their own timeline, but these common rhythms help us understand that hard behaviors are not “bad” behaviors—they are growth in motion.
If you’re interested in learning more about these stages, I highly recommend the classic book, The Gesell Institute’s Child from One to Six: Evaluating the Behavior of the Preschool Child by Louise Bates Ames, Clyde Gillespie, Jacqueline Haines, and Frances L. Ilg (Harper & Row, 1979). It’s a treasure for parents who want to better understand and support their children.
